


Carry on.

by zianourry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depression, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Sad, eating disorder gets mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-30
Updated: 2013-01-30
Packaged: 2017-11-27 13:46:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/662677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zianourry/pseuds/zianourry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How far can the pain push you? The loss travelling through your veins until you can’t move anymore and you are stuck in your own head. Several ways to cope with everything but which one is right and which is wrong? Are you able to forget them or do they always live with you? Some say it stops, others tell you that they wake up with the feeling that he or she is still alive. That they are there, in the room, with them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Carry on.

**Author's Note:**

> I am trying to improve my work by writing as much as possible and actually study for my English class. I am trying ;)

How far can the pain push you? The loss travelling through your veins until you can’t move anymore and you are stuck in your own head. Several ways to cope with everything but which one is right and which is wrong? Are you able to forget them or do they always live with you? Some say it stops, others tell you that they wake up with the feeling that he or she is still alive. That they are there, in the room, with them.

I found this in your drawer, a blue leather book. My name is written on it and I don’t know why. But I can’t ask you because you’re away, to your sister. So I will wait, I will wait until you give me a phone call. You’ll tell me you’re on your way home and I probably will hear you smile over the phone. You’ve always loved kids and I could feel the joy when your sister told you she was pregnant. I hope you’re home soon. I already miss you.

Day one,  
You’re gone. That’s what they told me. You’ve gone to a place where I can’t reach you but where stars shine so bright. It was a tree, a simple oak with its green leaves that made you turn pale, lifeless. And I don’t know if I can believe them or if they’re trying to make me lose my mind because how can someone so strong, so bright, go away like that. Maybe it’s all a bad joke, maybe they don’t understand how much it would hurt if it was true.  
I’ll go and ask. They can’t do this to me. You’re all I have.

Day two,  
It wasn’t a joke, that’s what they told me. I could see their eyes tear up and pity vibrating through every move. They’ve never looked at me like that before Hazz. I don’t know what to do with myself. You can’t be gone. I saw you leave yesterday, so excited about the meeting with your sister’s daughter. I told you I wanted to go, too and you just brushed it aside. You wanted some quality time.’ It won’t be long until I come home.’ You said. You left, curls wild on top of your head, green eyes sparkling with love.  
It won’t be long until you see how messy our room has become and you will scold me, trying to look angry as you force me to clean up. It won’t be long because you wouldn’t leave me like that. I need you.

Day three,  
It has been two whole days since I’ve seen you. You’ve never left for more than two whole days. Not since we started living together. You have never realised how much I depend on you, well, except with the cooking. I was waiting by the door last night, waiting to hear the keys turn into the lock. The floor was cold but I had wrapped up in a blanket so it didn’t matter. You never came, so I fell asleep. I could hear your voice, Harry, your arms sliding around my waist, your breath tickling my ear. When I woke up I was still lying in the hall with my head against the front door. The door was still locked and the place was still a mess. The sound and smell of someone cooking were not there as they usually are. Don’t leave me Hazz, come back.

Day four,  
Liam walked in today, you know, the guy that works at the bakery on the other side of the street. He said he had heard the news and came to see if everything was alright. I could see the shock in his eyes when I opened the door so it mustn’t have been that good.  
I could feel you last night. A hand stroking my back like you always did when I couldn’t sleep and when I woke up I suddenly realised: you won’t be coming back. I cried for the first time. I always read that accepting the situation and crying would help but all I’ve got is a pounding head, a clogged nose and red eyes. The reality is too hard to deal with, I don’t think I can do this, Hazz. Not without you.

Day five  
They called today, your parents. They wanted my opinion about your funeral: should the casket be white or brown, lilies or roses, should we all come in black or it do we want everyone covered in bright colours. They even asked me to choose a suit for you. I couldn’t even tell them that I’ve only opened our closet once. I chose your worn grey sweater and the purple hoodie you always wore. I put it on and haven’t changed since then.  
Liam in came again, this time he made me sit at the kitchen table. He prepared some food and silently shoved it towards me. He didn’t say anything which made me grateful, I think I lost my voice. Sometimes I feel like you’re still here, but then I open my eyes and look around and realise the place is still empty. Your side of the bed has been cold for days, it feels like you’ve taken my heart with you.

Day seven  
They were here today, your parents and sister I mean. They looked sad, your mum looked like she had cried for weeks and your dad had enormous bags under his eyes. Judging by their reaction I looked worse. As soon as I let them in your mother began to make a fuss about the way our apartment looked and while she tried to clean up a little I could feel you disappear, Hazz. And I know you’re not here but I can still feel you and you can’t leave me!  
So I made them leave. No, I just pushed them out of the door. Liam didn’t come today so I haven’t eaten for two days. It feels good in some ways, like I’ve finally gained some control. Like I’m not losing myself anymore because every day it becomes harder and more difficult. Maybe I should have insisted, should have forced you to take me along. If that oak hadn’t been there or if the pavement hadn’t been slippery. You could have been here. You could have been with me.  
I fell asleep after they left. I would love to sleep, I am craving for it. Because I see all our memories and it makes me feel happy, as if I’m closer to you. When I woke up I reached out to touch you. But when I turned over, the bed was empty and you were nowhere to be seen. I let it go and brushed it aside, thought you were in the kitchen cooking breakfast. When I finally rose from bed, the silence in the house unnerved me, and that was when the nerves began to kick in. I felt light-headed walking through the flat in my search for you, my knees growing weaker with every step I took. Suddenly everything came back, my knees buckled and I cried until I fainted.

Day eight.  
Liam found me. I woke up with his eyes looking at me and I felt so guilty. He looked petrified, like the world was ending and no one knew what would happen. He didn’t make me eat but he did pull me along into the shower. His hands felt different from yours, more calloused, like he has seen more than I’ll ever will. Maybe he knows.  
This was also the first day since it happened that I set my feet on the pavement outside our door. The sun almost burned through my skin and I can remember the painful grip I had while I was holding his hand. It didn’t feel like betrayal but at the same time it did .  
He took me into the city, looking for a proper suit. Apparently, he had seen the message and knew I needed one, a suit without memories attached to you. I could do nothing but smile when he tried to put me into a purple suit that clashed in every way possible. But as soon as I realised, the corners of my mouth dropped and my eyes found the carpet because how could I smile without your presence.

Day ten.  
They played our song.  
Day twenty.  
I’m fine, wonderful. I told everyone I had cleaned your room and everyone believed me except Liam. Everyone keeps getting happier and they start laughing again. Except for me, I still feel like the world is crumbling around me. Your presence is always here, like a tattoo to skin and it makes me feel nauseous. When did I started living for you instead for myself? Don’t answer, it was a rhetorical question. It was the day I met you.

He had been waiting in the line at the shopping centre. It was his best friend’s birthday and he had to bake a pie, which wasn’t a smart move because everyone knew he couldn’t even cook an egg. So after a ruined kitchen he decided to simply buy the pie. It saved loads of trouble. The queue turned out to be never ending, so after having waited for a while he was bored as can be. And what do you do when you’re bored? Yes indeed you start looking around. A few minutes later he saw a girl walking into a high stack of pots, that was the moment where panic broke out and co-workers started running towards the chaos. Determined to see it all happen, he slowly made his way backwards. A crash into an unknown body, a cry and vibrant green eyes…  
That’s what happened.  
Tell me it’s a lie. Harry, please, tell me it’s a lie.

 

Day twenty-one.  
Was it my fault, do I deserve it?

Day twenty-six.  
I guess I owe you an explanation, don’t I? They’ve told me everything, the pills, the note.  
Everything they told me is a lie, everything you have ever told me is a lie. They were scared I couldn’t handle it but what was your reason? Was I that much of a burden, was I too weak? Maybe you didn’t love me? The note says you will always love me but how much does a cliché film sentence mean when you’ve lied so much? I just can’t handle this, handle it all anymore. Nothing hurts, I feel numb but at the same time I feel like I’m being tortured over and over again. Was this how you wanted me to feel? Or was this how you felt?  
Liam said I had to try to move on and remember the happy memories. I’m fighting something indestructible.

Day twenty-eight.  
Zayn, Liam introduced me to him. He looked at me, only once. And before I knew I was in his arms, a hug. The hug I’ve needed for so long but nobody dared because they were scared I would shatter in so many pieces that I could never be healed again. But it made me feel so much better than I had felt in days and for a split second I thought that everything was alright again.  
We watched a film with no romance in it and a lot of action. I could feel my stomach grumbling during the film but it didn’t bother me, I only ate what Liam gave me something. At some point they both had to laugh so hard that I joined in, maybe not as bright but surely alive. For once death didn’t seem the only solution. 

Day twenty-eight.  
Every time I try to fly I realise the wings I had are gone and all that I once loved has left me.  
I’m scared you’re fading and sometimes I can’t remember your eyes, your smile. I thought that you were stored in my mind but I guess nothing is as I thought, it was like all the solid ground under my feet has collapsed.  
Day thirty  
Zayn was here again. He reminds me of you but at the same time he doesn’t. He can make me calm at the moments that my brain keeps bugging me and seems to know just exactly what to say at the right moment. We ended up watching a film, but in the end he just told me about his life. How he misses his parents and both his sisters since he had moved to Doncaster. It made me realize that I hadn’t seen my parents and sisters since the funeral. Would they miss me if I ended up listening to the darker corners of my mind?  
I lost control of my feelings but the hunger helped. Sadly enough my body disagreed so when Zayn heard the excessive sounds he decided to feed me. To be honest, his pasta is better than yours. He could have been a great friend.

Day thirty-two.  
I sound rather depressed, don’t I? I read everything I’ve written and saw that I wrote ‘could.’ I have to stop. Zayn can be an amazing friend, I’m not going to die because you’re gone. I don’t have to give up life because you decided it wasn’t worth it. There is so much more out there for me to see and to experience. Maybe I'm not ready now but one day I will be. I'll be ready to love and fight again. To see everything that is too devastating at this moment.  
Yes, you caught me. I got a lecture from Zayn and Liam today, mostly Zayn though. Liam is so cautious around me, just like everyone else but for Zayn. Instead of letting me fall, he kicks me up and hauls me on my feet, ready to catch the blow of what life throws at me. I don't know yet if I'll lose my footing after the final blow or if he's strong enough to haul me on my feet again. But maybe it's time to live for the moment and not for my entire life. It's sad that these feelings only last for such a short time though, because I can feel my mind slowing down and I start to see you again and wonder how I could think I could live without you. I can't, I have never had a reason to.  
Day thirty-three.  
We went shopping today and at some point I thought I saw you. I made my way through the crowds but lost the person, you, again. Zayn came after me and he hugged me until I stopped bawling my eyes out. I felt so relieved but also humiliated. I never really felt the stares of other people but now I could feel them watching, eyes burning through flesh and bones. I miss you, I wish I can feel the same again. I don't want to wait until the pain lessens, I want to feel whole again.

Day thirty-five.  
They sent me to someone, I needed someone professional to talk to. Lily is her name, she told me to keep writing but not to you anymore. A diary, make sure that you give it to the person you trust and let them read it, it will help. I’m going to follow her advice, not in the way she meant. Probably.

Day forty.  
I went to my parents for the past five days, my sisters were ecstatic when they saw me. My mum cried, again. She did the same the last time we saw each other. We went to the zoo with the entire family, I saw penguins, you know! It was sad but necessary to leave again. I kissed them goodbye and told them I loved them. Better than a note, don’t you think? I immediately went to go and see Zayn and Liam afterwards. We watched a movie together. I may have cried a little but they’re used to it. I didn’t dare to say anything so I simply hugged them, they’ll understand. I’m going to leave your notebook here, OK? I have set a timer on my phone and within four hours it will call Zayn. He’ll find it and I did exactly as Lily said. I love you Hazz, see you soon. Love Louis.

I found this in your drawer, a blue leather book. My name is written on it and I don’t know why. But I can’t ask you because you’re away, gone. So I just have to follow you.

In the end no one will know how the other feels, how strong the bond between them is, how long the hurt and pain will linger. Some can deal with it, others have to take the hit harder than anyone else. We won’t know, they won’t know, until it happens and it all falls apart. We only know how strong it was for Louis. Right at the moment where the bond was so strong that it drove Louis to this act, in forty days.

 

Letter:

Boobear,  
She was beautiful, in such an innocent and childish way. You are beautiful too, my darling. Don't laugh, I know you secretly loved the pet name. The blush creeping up your face and a shy smile, it always happens when I call you darling.  
I know you hate me right now, While you're reading this. Maybe I disgusted or hurt you. I may have ripped your heart to pieces, or maybe you're glad. No Harry, finally a life without him. I don't know.  
I want you to know this: No, it's not your fault. No, don't let yourself get hurt because of me, I'm still here. Yes, live, fall in love and maybe I'll meet you again in sixty years. Remember that you're loved, by me, by your family, by friends, by strangers. You're wonderful. I'm not leaving because of you but because of me. I'm not strong and brave enough to keep on living and fighting. But you are, Louis. You are strong enough.  
X. Hazza


End file.
